Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race
Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We can have bacon on the roof while tanning
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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