And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I've known you for the past two years. You never kid about biology or alcohol.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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