4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I'm just walking around Lowe's groping the carpets....
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
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