I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You can't date a girl from every country.
I'm the captain planet of women
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
