Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
I don't think it's ever a good night if I'm this hung over and I didn't even get an orgasm out of the deal...
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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