i hate that you can chart my weight gain through my facebook pictures.
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
There's nothing like vomiting in the restroom at work to remind you that you're not in college anymore.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
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