Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
I FOUND THE LEGS
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
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