Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I need a pic of your cock for our cock collage
I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
Actually, I may scrap this entire plan. I just realized that I had sex with a guy with his own whiskey commercial.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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