I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
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