My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
There's nothing more uncomfortable than drifting into sexual fantasies on a roadtrip and realizing you have a boner with three other dudes in the car.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
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