She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
do you think that identical twins have the same size junk? i just want to know your opinion before i find out.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
