Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I miss vodka workout Fridays
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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