an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
I might have beaten my fastest all time record going from "I really really like this girl" to "fuck that bitch"
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
Randomize
