Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
