We each get one free throw up cleaning, no questions asked.
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Woke up pants less in the vacant apartment across the hall. It was unlocked because they were showing it to someone. When they walked in I woke up and said "this is a great place to live" and walked out
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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