if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
we have pet lesbian snakes
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
