In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
