I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass
This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
