pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
My book, "How to Live With a Huge Penis" was delivered today. Can't wait to read it in public.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
This is not okay. I only like one boy. I should like 200 boys and be having wild unprecedented sex. Instead I like one boy whose a born again virgin.
Randomize
