ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
she's just sitting in a corner ripping all of the filters off her menthols
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I think I sprained my soul last night
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Randomize
