Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
turns out they were just sand fleas, not crabs.. thank you random mexican girl from padre who's name i can't pronounce
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
