this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
CONQUERED: Sean from next door. Just wanted to let you know ;)
How many people did you send this to?
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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