If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
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