I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
Today's dinner table topic: the probablity of my dad turning gay if he ever left my mom.
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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