at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
It was confusing and full of hummus
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
Hungover. Have to fix everything I've broken. I'm gonna be very late.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
Naked chocolate chip pancake making. I just spilled mix all over the place. My boobs are covered in flour. This is not going well.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Gay?
German.
Pity.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
