I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
she had the hairiest bush ive ever seen. it looked like a spoiled head of lettuce.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Geez don't go to a bar for a few days and everyone freaks out.
Being home for break is weird, just had a full convo with my dad about what I wanted for dinner, while a dildo was on top of me under my comforter
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
