why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
I watched the entire movie Forgetting Sarah Marshall before I realized it was in Spanish.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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