I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Nevermind, there are three drinks waiting at the bar for me. I cannot disappoint this alcohol.
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
