Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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