When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
I was so high I didn't realize I'd put on someone else's bra. I thought my boobs had shrunk.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
