Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
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