Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
How much glitter would I have to ingest in order for a "magnificent" amount to appear in my ejaculate?
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