It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
Want to run by the liquor store later? Tequila Youn should really be in attendance at Party Mountain. No one else could be our spirit animal.
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
First you stole a hockey stick out of the nieghbors yard and claimed you were moses leading his children home. Then you led us around the same block twice before I called the cab
Randomize
