Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I want to be tan and drunk. Is that too much to ask for?
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
