We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
