What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
That was my first party and they were so suprised that this little freshman girl was a FUCKING BEER PONG QUEEN.
Randomize
