Your mouth is God's brothel.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
It's like sleeping with someone you met at a karaoke bar. It's never okay.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Randomize
