If someone cant be won over with guacomole and tequila they are not worth your time.
I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
On the good side I got hit on by a cute college guy. But the bad side was having sex in a frat house for first time in 9 years
Randomize
