i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
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