don't get me wrong, i love how you're fun and free spirited. but there are some situations...like shooting down a bottle of sambuca standing in the shallow end topless surrounded by my friends
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
I woke up at 6:30 in the morning on the A train on 14th street. You wouldn't know anything about that right?
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Randomize
