You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
There may or may not be an ass shaped dent in the hood of my car. All I know is windshield wipers aren't as sturdy as you think to hold onto.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
How you doing tonight? I got my butthole licked so i cant complain.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
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