Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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