I'm kindof freaked out about my cock not getting up this morning. Cove over later so I can sort this out. Do not post this on texts from last night.
Damn that would have been a great one. Hahah and don't worry...
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I got drunk and threw up on a kid at the amusement park. I think they're pressing charges.
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
Wanna get business drunk and go play golf?
Randomize
