im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
