You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
How many vodka infused gummi bears count as 1 drink?
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
Randomize
