Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
I thought he was joking about bailing you out until I saw the picture of you and the sheep in the morning paper. Were those my boots you had on it
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
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