hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
