Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
whoooo knowwsss what george of the jungle juice is but i feel like im in the promised land
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
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