Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
He also gave me two gold stars for sex. On my nipples.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
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