Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Please tell me why your entire hallway smells like microwaved condoms.
Everyone loves nachos, first of all. Second, Ke$ha is entirely appropriate for the age grou too young to realize she probably has Hep C.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
He was so energetic. It was like screwing a bunny.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
