Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
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