gavin joseph was born around 1 oclock 9lbs 12oz... over 21 inches long
Thats what she said
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
