I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
i've created a new STD.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.