Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Do you ever just admire your boobs?