Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Your penis caused this!
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Randomize
