can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
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