He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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