oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
not exactly restoring sanity, but he is throwing up on the national mall right now
Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Dicks are not precious.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
