Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I wish i could make my toaster dance like they do in the second ghostbusters. But i dont have ectoplasmic goo. Or a toaster.
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
