With the way things had been going, I was never more excited for a person to cum
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
there's fuck elsewhere to go, I'll be there with 8 lbs of bronzer on my tits
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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