You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Grandma keeps pulling a bottle of captain from her pocket and spiking people's drinks.. She just yelled "I'm DAMN HOT to be a grandma!" .. I LOVE HER.
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
