My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
just once I'd like to not pass out before we leave the designated pre-drinking place
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
